Hi, this is Jessica Sawicki with Luli Sleep Consulting. And today on the Sleepy Q’s podcast, we’re going to be talking about toddler stalling and those bedtime battles. But first I want to thank you guys, our listeners, for being here with me today. Don’t forget to leave a five star review and send in any questions or topics you’d like us to cover.
Toddler development
So toddler stalling, those bedtime battles. Let’s talk a little bit about toddlers to better understand where they’re coming from before we go into those bedtime battles. Kids at this age and stage really start becoming little humans. They’re growing and learning so much. Soaking every little detail in, all their experiences throughout the day. While they’re trying to go about their day and foster their independence. They’re also seeking direction, guidance, and love and support from us. So they’re basically trying to be little humans, but they obviously can’t do it on their own. So they look to us, their parents, their caregivers, to help guide them to direct them in the right way. They need our constant response. Now here’s the thing. As their little brains are are growing and growing and growing, they’re also learning cause and effect. They’re learning what type of consequences will happen when. They are trying to learn impulse control and they’re learning how to control their own emotions. So imagine they’ve got rules and regulations placed upon them, and then they try to push them, push those boundaries. They want to see what will happen if I do something? What will mommy do if I don’t follow the rules? How can I show my independence?
And then this is where the issues begin. Now on the parents side, we’re here to provide support, love, and raise our kids to foster that independence yet in a safe way. Our kids are young and we’re constantly teaching them what’s right and wrong and trying to direct them in the right way. And can you imagine, after a full day of being with them, playing with them, interacting with them by the end of the day, we’re just so exhausted. We spent all their physical and emotional strength on our kids. And then we also have to deal with work, personal life, relationships. So sometimes at the end of the day, we are just so tired.
The end of the day is the hardest
And this is where the bedtime battles begin. Our kids start to unfold. We start to slip up and loose control, and then things start to unravel. Our kids are tired. And so are we. Bedtime is the perfect scenario at the end of the day, when everyone’s tired, that issues will start coming up.
So what are the typical issues that I see with my toddler cases? The three most common ones are: 1. Resisting the bedtime routine altogether. 2. Not staying in their bed. So they’re coming in and out and in and out at bedtime. And three, requiring an adult, a caregiver, someone to stay with them in their bed.
So let’s talk about what these three different situations look like and how we can address them. So the first one; resisting the bedtime routine. My kids are number one for this, especially one of my boys.
Bedtime resistance
Every night we brush our teeth . And every night my son says, “do I have to brush my teeth? Do I have to brush my teeth tonight”? Dude, we brush our teeth every single night. This isn’t something new. I don’t understand if we do it every single night. Why are you resisting it? . Why don’t you want to brush your teeth? Why don’t you want to put on your pjs? Really what’s going on here is that your toddler does not want to go to sleep. They don’t want to end the day. And more importantly, they don’t want to separate from you.
Resistance is about separation
So the first step in addressing your child’s issue of resisting the bedtime routine is realizing that. Realize that it’s the act of separating and ending that fun day that they are fighting. They’re not fighting you on whether they should brush her teeth or not. They’re just fighting on the bedtime routine that we’re doing signifies an end of the day, and I don’t want that. Once you can internalize that and realize it’s coming from an emotional disbalance from your child, who just wants to continue playing, you need to then take it from there.
Routines are still important
So here are a few tactics. First is set up a regular routine. You want to set up your regular bedtime routine that is done every single night, same thing. So that there’s no unfamiliarity. So there’s no surprises to these toddlers. Because remember, toddlers like to know what’s coming up ahead, toddlers don’t like surprises. So during the daytime, when they’re at school, they have circle time, then play time, then snack time, same thing with their bedtime routine, you want to create that routine that is done every single night and they know what’s going on.
Visual charts
Next is you can draw a chart, a visual that shows your child doing each tactic. The chart is great because it’s a visual reminder for your child of what the bedtime routine, entails what’s coming up next. So you’d have to imagine the chart would be you know, a picture of a child brushing their teeth, and then putting on their pajamas. And then there’s books with mommy in bed, and then the lights are off, and the child is sleeping in their bed. So either handwritten or visuals of your child doing each of these steps, or a list of each of these steps that your child can kind of check off, is a great reminder that your child can look at and know what’s coming up ahead.
Prep ahead
Now, another thing that you can do, aside from the chart, is constantly remind your child what’s coming up ahead. Okay. We’re going to brush our teeth. And after that, we’re going to go read our books. So that the child is constantly reminded of what’s going on and knows what’s coming up ahead and the parent kind of stays the course. So it’s a reminder for the child, but it also is a reminder for us parents.
Give them control of steps
So the other part to make the bedtime routine a little bit easier on your toddler, is have your child be a part of the process. Tell your kids, they can choose their pajamas. They can choose what books you’re going to read that night, but the parents sets it up for them. So what that would look like is, “okay sweetie, you get to pick out two books tonight, and those are the two books that mommy will read.” So if you notice the parent is saying ‘two’ that’s how many books we’re reading. So the parent controls the amount of books and the child can pick out the books. And so the child is part of the process. They don’t feel like they’re being dictated throughout the night. This is next. This is next. This is next. “We’re brushing our teeth next okay, do you want to do it in this bathroom or that bathroom”? Of course you have to be careful with how many options you’re giving your child because that can open the door to a whole other level.
Popping out of bed
Now let’s talk about the issue of why won’t my child stay in their bed. So another toddler bedtime struggle that I see with my clients is, the child is placed in their bed, the parents are done with the routine, the parents leave, and the child starts popping out. Two three, four times, Hey, look, my kids do the same thing. My boys they’re in bed. Five minutes later, my son jumps out, Oh, what about this? And this and this, and starts having a conversation. And today I forgot to tell you this and this and this. So the child is popping in and out. And anything from requesting either more water or wanting to tell you a story or just not wanting to stay in bed. So of course the child doesn’t want to go to sleep. So that’s always the first reason why a child will, will come out or try to, you know, get your attention.
Look at the timing
So you have your toddler coming in and out of their bed, not wanting to stay in bed. First, I would look at what time are you doing bedtime? Is it too early? Is your child just not tired? So for those who are napping, any child under the age of four, you really want to make sure that the nap isn’t too long or too late that will interfere with bedtime. For those that are not napping and haven’t been napping for a while, that’s great. But you just want to make sure that bedtime isn’t too late either. Because if a child hasn’t napped all day, they might be tired and want an earlier bedtime.
Physical barriers
So for those toddlers that are two or three years old, and aren’t used to staying in the bed, especially in the beginning, you might want to look at putting up a gate at the door to stop the child from coming in and out. Because again, the twos and three year olds, they’re a little bit young or those even who are 18 months in a bed , they’re a little bit young to understand that impulse control staying in bed and not coming out. So I would look at putting up a gate at the door.
Behavior modification clock
Another great tool is a behavioral tot clock. Now there are different types of clocks that you can use, but the idea with the tot clock is it teaches your child when is bedtime and when is wake up time. It’s an easy visual or a light that indicates the child it is bedtime, turn off the lights, let’s go to bed. But it’s also a light that will help the child know when it’s time to wake up. So if we have a clock that has a light, we teach our child, okay. The blue light means it’s bedtime and it will be on until the light turns yellow, which means wake up time. So if the light is blue you must stay in your bed. And what that means is at bedtime, the light is blue. So when we tuck our kids goodnight and say, and give them a kiss, we are to remind them that the little nightlight is blue. And the nightlight indicates that it’s time for bed and it’s time to stay in the bed and not come out. And we can come out when the light is yellow.
Bedtime pass
Here’s the thing your child is coming in and out. Are you walking them back? Or are you making them go back themselves? A lot of parents will walk their child back to the bed, give an extra tuck in it, an extra kiss, extra snuggles, and then leave. And the child just comes right out two minutes later and the parent comes, tucks them in snuggles and then goes back. I would suggest not walking your child back. Definitely do not do extra bedtime routines and snuggles and kisses, which I know is very hard not to do. But walking your child back in, assisting them back into bed, is only reinforcing that behavior. It’s telling them, you can come out, I’ll tuck you right back in. And sometimes with the older ones, I love to use bedtime passes, which allows a child to come out because they have a pass, but once they’ve used their certain amount of passes, they can no longer come out. So it gives the child a sense of freedom, that they know they can come out, but again, they can’t come out as often as they want, they can only come out depending on how many passes they got. So these are great for the older kids , for the younger toddlers of two or three years old, I probably wouldn’t use these bedtime passes.
Parent staying in the room
Those are the toddlers that like to come in and out. But what about the toddlers that require someone to stay with them? They need their parent or caregiver to stay in their bed or in their room with them until they fall asleep. So first off, I’m going to ask you, what was going on when they were sleeping in a crib? So if your toddler needed someone or something to help them fall asleep when they were in a crib, chances are they’re going to still need that again at the bedtime. What was going on before? Because if there were any sleep crutches that were, that were going on before, you need to be able to remove those sleep crutches so that your toddler doesn’t need them for bed.
Age matters
Now the other question I’m going to ask you is how old is your child? Because depending on how old your toddler is, the younger toddlers, 18 months to two and a half year olds should not be in a bed. And so of course, that transition to a bed is very hard for them. And so they will need that assistance. Now for those kids that want the parent there, it’s okay. I always say; one, you can provide the support and still be there with your child, you don’t have to let them to cry. But two, it means you don’t have to get in the bed with them. You can sit next to them. You can stand by the door. So you can be in the room to provide that sense of support and comfort as your child is falling asleep, but it could be at a distance. And of course, I always say that if you’re going to be in the room for your child to fall asleep, You need to work your way out. So if you’re by the bed, you need to eventually go by the door and then eventually work your way out the room using the sleep lady shuffle so that your child doesn’t continue needing you to fall asleep.
So in this podcast, I went over to three common toddler issues that I see at bedtime. 1. Resisting the bedtime routine. 2. Not staying in their bed and 3. Needing someone to stay with them at bedtime. But I’d love to know, are there any other issues that you have experienced with your toddler? Have you seen any bedtime struggles or battles lately with your toddler that you’d love for us to go over? Send those in. We’d love to hear from you. Thanks so much.
